It’s been a while, I know. I’ve been busy working my day job and doing art. Have several pieces headed to 2 different gallery shows, and I am really happy about that. You’d be proud of the work I’ve done, I think. It am happy that I have this flow going and enjoying the path that I am on now with my art.
Lately I’ve been researching family genealogy on Ancestry. After getting the DNA results it wasn’t too surprising to find I am about 55% Germanic and 30% England/Wales/NW-Europe and some Eastern Europe/Russia. Was a little surprised by the small percentages of Irish, Scottish and Swedish, though. So I am at the point where I am filling in extended family, and have plugged in your two first marriages and your 3 sons. I have just recently found Steve, and was surprised to see that he is using the Trowbridge name. All this time I had assumed that he was using Snyder. It looks like he had been married, but is not now, I am guessing. Didn’t see any evidence of any kids. Evie passed away in 2002 in Hanford, CA. Looks like Steve is now retired, and had gone to college when he was younger, and had studied business.
I am really pleased to have found these half brothers online and to see that they really exist. Unfortuantely, your oldest, Michael, passed away in the Fall of 2017, I think he was about 74 years old. He worked as an engineer, traveled the world, and was very involved in his church. William is living somewhere near Santa Rosa, I think. I never contacted either of them.
I think about our family, and how we moved around so much, and how disjointed that made me feel sometimes. I think it also helped me to be more resilient; but I wonder sometimes if it created within me a feeling of disconnection; like I am always trying to catch up. Like I am always feeling as if I am the last to know about something, or late to the game. I don’t know. Life is what you make it. And life for me has been pretty good; I can’t really complain. But I do feel like my voice has not been quite as heard, or as loud, as I would like it to be.
And with that, there comes a realization that to be assertive and to be the loud voice, you must take risks. Because there will undoubtedly be an outcome, a reaction of some sort, that you will have to react to. Maybe the moving around, the underlying uncertainty that was quietly there in our family life, maybe that took enough energy that I frequently felt I couldn’t take many risks; and if I did, the ground beneath my feet was just shaky enough to remind me to be overly cautious and careful.
And those times I was reckless were the times I threw that caution to the wind, and was overly reckless in order to satisfy the need to take chances. It’s a careless way to test the waters, and fortunately I have survived just fine, for the most part.
And I know that the lessons you and mom taught me were to take care of myself; do the right thing; don’t beat yourself up too much for past mistakes, and learn from those mistakes. So, I appreciate the guidance and love through those difficult times and the fact that you and mom were really good at making a new place feel like a comfy home every time we moved somewhere new.
With finding these half brothers, I have wondered a lot about what their lives have been like. Do they resent you? Do they remember you? How did you deal with leaving them, and losing them? I know it was hard; probably the hardest thing in your life to deal with. The loss is enough to bear; and the failure is, I’m guessing, pretty unbearable.
#halfbrothers #moving #familiesmovingaround #regret #losingyourkids